Sonya Triggs-Wharton

Maybe It Doesn't Have Anything to Do With You

You ever had a day where a close friend seems to be in a bad mood and seems to direct her negative energy towards you? You know, you try to talk to her and cheer her up  and she not only resists all your efforts, but doesn't seem to want to talk to you at all?

You know how you normally think, "I wonder what her problem is?" And wonder if you did something wrong or if you somehow offended her?

You Can Have Anything You Want...

You can have anything you want, really.  You can become a CEO of your own company. You can become supermodel skinny. You can run in the next Boston Marathon. You can even go back to school to become a doctor if you wanted to.

What's the catch? I can hear you asking me. If it was so easy, everybody would be doing it - right?

Here's the catch - in order to accomplish any of those things, you must be willing to pay the price for it.

Controlling Your Thoughts

One thing we learn in counseling is the importance of not giving a judgment or value to everything that happens in your life.  An important facet of a therapy known as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is that while ‘good’ or ‘bad’ things may happen, the value you assign to those things is all your own.

What do I mean?

Say you have an unexpectedly busy day at work. You walk in and get hit with a last-minute project which takes the entire morning you had set aside to return phone calls and check your emails. You finally get around to your email that afternoon only to discover you missed an important meeting. You call to make your apologies, find out what was discussed and then return those phone calls you meant to make that morning.

It's The Little Things...That Are So Darned Annoying!

It’s always the little things that get to you. You may be having the perfect day, meditating alone in the park, crossing things off of your to-do list, successfully getting along with difficult bosses or de-cluttering your spare room at home. And in the middle of a perfectly lovely day of peace and serenity – bam! – some lady cuts you off in traffic, shakes her finger (or other offending body part) at you (and you can very clearly read her lips as she’s cursing you out) and leaves you fuming in her wake.

And the question you always ask is – why???? Why do these things happen to me? Why does a perfectly good day get ruined by the carelessness or thoughtlessness of others?

Meet People Where They Are

I’m currently a third year student in a counseling program. Specifically, I am in the last year of a Master’s Program of a Clinical Mental Health Counseling program. In a few years, I’ll be a licensed counselor, though I am able and will continue to work with clients until that point.

I got into this field because I wanted to formalize what I had already been doing for years: helping people get from where they are to where they want to be.

Before this program, I spent years listening to friends, family members, co-workers (and heck, even a few strangers) tell me about their problems and then strategized with them ways to overcome them. I’ve given relationship advice, helped people fix their finances, counseled and coached as people honored me by confiding in me their deepest worries and concerns. Often all that was required was a listening ear, empathy and sympathetic nodding. I discovered in very short order that most people have the answers within themselves. They just need an active listener to help them discover them. Wouldn’t you agree?

You’ve probably been the recipient (victim) of well-meaning advice from your friends, family members or loved ones.

Not Your Responsibility

You know how when you go up to somebody (say at your job) and you ask that person to help you with something and they politely refuse you with a statement such as, “That’s not my responsibility”? Or somehow indicate to you that what you’re asking is not covered in his or her job description?

Well, this is not the kind of ‘Not Your Responsibility’ that I’ll be talking about today. The kind of responsibility I will be talking about here is the responsibilities you decide to take on over and beyond your own which are interfering with your ability to get your own things done. And the responsibilities which are necessary to spur personal growth and development.

National Geographic's Hard Time Series

I've been religiously watching National Geographic's Hard Time Series about, among other things,  Prison Gangs, surviving in prison and those who acquire the 'prison mentality.'  

Apparently, there are typically two roads a convicted felon takes: to pursue rehabilitation (education, acquring a craft, etc.) or to adapt and acquire the prison mentality. Those who decide to take on the prison mentality hustle, lie, steal or do whatever it takes to make it on the inside. Those who pursue rehabilitation often have to hold themselves apart from the troublemakers, avoid gangs and be single-minded in their efforts to reform themselves.

As always when watching documentaries about people from all walks of life, I'm always struck by how similar we (human beings) are, no matter where we find ourselves. In prison, as in life, there are those who are trying to make something of themselves - elevating themselves above their circumstances and making the best of bad situations - and those who adapt in a predatory fashion to what their society has to offer.

In prison, as in life, people make choices. Whether to do well or to do poorly. Whether to give or take. Whether to make their time meaningful or just let it slip away. 

Apparently, in prison, some prisoners become 'institutionalized.' In other words, it starts to feel more normal to them to be in prison than out of prison.

And in many ways, we in the 'free' world can become institutionalized as well. More comfortable in jobs we hate than in pursuing other job opportunities. Too accustomed to the routine at home where no one speaks or relates to one another to try and make a connection with our loved ones. And too stuck in the ruts of our own lives, doing the same thing day after day after day to ever seriously contemplate doing something different.

Because, sure, you'd LIKE to do something different with your life, but who has kind of time, right? You're busy. You have a lot going on. You barely have enough time to do the things already on your plate without adding anything else.

You have become institutionalized.

Programmed.

Comfortable.

Complacent.

Just like those prisoners on Hard Time...

The Bad News About Being Healthy

I've just finished reading a few books (not to mention countless online articles, searches, etc.) about how to REALLY eat healthy, lose weight and keep it off.

And I've discovered a sad, sad truth: It's Hard!

There are no shortcuts to eating healthier foods. There is no super pill that you can take to meet all your nutritional needs. No one will come and tackle you when you try to put that donut in your mouth. If you don't count your calories (or at least have some idea of how much you're eating), you will be blissfully ignorant of the fact that say, a Bloomin' Onion from Outback is 1500 calories and you'll keep wondering why you can't lose weight.

Similarly, there are no shortcuts to getting in good exercise. No personal trainer will knock on your door every morning to personally motivate you (unless you're willing to pay a whole lot of money!). Thinking about exercise is not the same thing as actually exercising. Doing a push-up is really a heck of a lot harder than you remember it being in high school and if you can't do one, then yes, you're out of shape.

In other words, no one is going to do the work for you, motivate you, force you to eat healthy foods  or exercise except - YOU! If you cannot find the motivation to do what needs to be done - be it getting up at 5am to work out or eating more salads and fresh fruits - no one is going to do it for you! The bloomin' onion will not magically smell less tempting. Running 3 miles will still require all the effort that running 3 miles always did (and probably more effort if you haven't done it in a while) and your body will NOTcooperate just because you decided to take on these new habits. As a matter of fact, it will fight you every step of the way! And who can blame it? It's so much nicer to lay in bed and watch the Biggest Loser with a bag of chips (or maybe that's just me) than get out in the cold, rain and heat and run.

Yet you STILL must do it. Despite all these obstacles, challenges and calls for self-control and self-discipline.

Because it's the only way you will become the healthier, more fit, more energetic, wholistically whole  YOU.

And that is the bad news about being healthy.

It takes hard work.

And there's no getting around that.

Two good books:

 

  

Staying Sane in the Face of Adversity

Bad things happen all the time. Globally, there's war, famine, religious intolerance and natural disasters. Nationally, there is a recession, job loss, floods and tornadoes.

If you're anything like me, you find all of the above heart-wrenching, anxiety-provoking and cause for restless nights.

It's hard enough to face the problems that the world and our nation present us.

Even harder is when adversity comes close to home. When it affects someone we know, a friend, a family member or even ourselves. Suddenly all the world's troubles pale as you begin to see the impact on your life and adjust to whatever is now your 'new normal.'

Life is tough for all of us. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.  All the time.

None of us is exempt. Your mountain may be taller than my mountain, but I can assure you we both have mountains to climb.

How do you stay sane in the face of adversity?

First - by accepting that bad things always do and always will happen. Whether they are big or small, troubles will surely find you.

However, once you acknowledge that fact, you are one step closer to being able to handle them when they do come. Knowing your next trouble is likely right around the corner mentally prepares you to face those challenges when they come. You know that your current happiness is not guaranteed, therefore you endeavor to FULLY enjoy where you are while you are there. And you fully expect that something will happen in some form or another real soon.

You get the rest you need and make sure you are as healthy and well-nourished as possible - knowing you will need those resources to face whatever is coming. You don't worry about those troubles because you know there's nothing you can do to head them off. 

You've done the best you can to be a good citizen, a good human being, a good parent, friend, daughter, son, etc. You have done no ill will towards anyone or made amends if you were made aware of it. You are simply the best you can be in all aspects of your life (even if your 'best' ain't always too pretty).

Whatever happens, whatever is coming is not your fault. It's simply a consequence of being a human being and living in this world. It is not personal, it is not meant to break you, it just IS. It's the common condition of being in this world.

So how do you stay sane in the face of adversity?

By accepting that challenges will come, preparing yourself, not worrying about things you cannot change and by resting assured that in your life you've done your best.

Nothing more can be done beyond that.

Be the Person You Were Meant to Be!

Find inspiration, discover your spirituality, boost your self-confidence and get encouragement on a daily basis.  Stay right here to read my articles  on SonyaWharton.com to get tips and advice to help you find peace, be empowered and take control of your life. Visit Daily Meditations  to find meditations to help you keep your sanity and maintain a positive and healthy mental attitude.  And don't forget to read Christian Thoughts when you need a spiritual boost. Hope to see you here often :-)