It’s always the little things that get to you. You may be having the perfect day, meditating alone in the park, crossing things off of your to-do list, successfully getting along with difficult bosses or de-cluttering your spare room at home. And in the middle of a perfectly lovely day of peace and serenity – bam! – some lady cuts you off in traffic, shakes her finger (or other offending body part) at you (and you can very clearly read her lips as she’s cursing you out) and leaves you fuming in her wake.
And the question you always ask is – why???? Why do these things happen to me? Why does a perfectly good day get ruined by the carelessness or thoughtlessness of others?
Just the other day, I had a similar experience at work. I’d had a great weekend, was feeling all Zen and at peace with the world. I walk in, read my email and then see I’m the subject of several emails detailing my failure to complete some tasks before I had left for vacation.
My boss had gotten involved, her boss had been cc’d and several other, extraneous personnel had been cc’d as well. Anyone who didn’t have any knowledge of the actual FACTS involved (which clearly the originator didn’t) would have thought I’d happily skipped off on a plane somewhere without a thought to who’d have to pick up my slack while I was gone.
The FACTS were that I had actually completed the task and was now being erroneously blamed. Because I hadn’t been available to answer my boss’s questions, she’d assumed I was AWOL as well and, well, a molehill got completely turned into Mt. Everest.
After several additional emails from me and all had been resolved, what I found most interesting in retrospect was how quickly I had gotten spun-up over absolutely nothing. I am usually a fairly decent worker, do the things I am assigned to do (with occasional procrastination of course) and try my best to get along well with everyone. Mainly because I genuinely like people and also because I enjoy having a calm workplace.
But none of those things crossed my mind as I immediately went from Zen to angry in about 60 seconds. And even as I resisted the anger, I felt it creeping through my mind, seducing me with thoughts of how I should be angry when I’m unfairly accused of something and how no one appreciates all the hard work I do and now my boss (and her boss) probably thought I was a total slacker. And on and on….
Until I gave in – because who doesn’t like a good fight? Emailed all parties back, managed to be (mostly) civil and hashed it out until it was remedied.
Several hours later, after I had calmed myself completely down and went to re-visit my earlier to-do list (from which I had allowed myself to get completely derailed), I wondered, why is it that the little things bother us so much?
I mean, I could see if something major (involving relationships, finances or health) had happened. I actually function quite well in major challenges – doing what needs to be done, acting in a logical fashion (usually, that is) and overcoming them with the help of some good friends or with hubby.
But it was the little, unexpected things that usually sent me off-kilter.
And I realize one of the reasons the little things proved to be so troublesome is because you expect the major life crises to happen. People lose jobs, money gets tight, your health (or your family’s health) can often be in peril and these are normal, accepted (though troublesome) parts of a good life. This too shall pass, we tell ourselves. Or we’ll get through this somehow we remind our families. We know that the bad times come as good times and are programmed through experience and familiarity to expect them, no matter how much we don’t want to see them. (Not to make light of serious circumstances, but we all seem to understand that with life comes a certain amount of pain.)
But no one expects to be cut off in traffic. Or to be the subject of an email chain. Or to face the hundreds of small indignities that are a part of every day. From crappy weather to delayed planes, to unresponsive peers, to bad report cards from children’s teachers to whatever you can imagine. You go to the airport expecting that your plane will leave on time – not that you’ll be delayed on the tarmac for 2 hours. You send your child to school expecting that he or she will do well – not a note from the teacher asking you to meet to discuss your child’s disciplinary problems. You expect your peers to support you in whatever decisions you make – not to find you have yet one other group of people to whom you have to explain yourself.
So clearly our expectations are out of whack. And I suspect that all that Zen and steadfastness we save to combat the major hard times is all used up by the time some random dude brings 25 items to the 10 items or less checkout line and you end up glaring, fuming and seriously thinking about telling him off (which I’d dearly love to do some day, but am usually too polite to do so).
I suspect that the minor annoyances are both unexpected, and inconvenient in a way that major catastrophes are not. With major catastrophes, you get time off, you know you have to spend time dealing with them. Major catastrophes like a house catching on fire (been there), sewerage in the basement (been there too) and court cases (been there sadly with a previously good friend) are distressing, but usually provide great opportunities for your friends and family to show support. It is understood and expected that you will need a listening ear, some assistance (financial or otherwise) and a day or two or five to pull yourself together.
Minor annoyances seem to happen when you’re already taxed or in a place where you expect things to go smoothly for you (for once). In any case, they seem to be just one more thing to deal with in an already filled-with-stuff-to-deal-with life. We don’t expect them, we don’t plan for them, we aren’t happy to see them, have no patience for them and we usually don’t have a lot of time to recover from them. Though I may be left fuming after having waited for the dude in front of me to complete checking out his 25 items (and then deciding to write a check), no one really wants to lend a listening ear to such a minor occurrence, I won’t have time to recoup (still have to get dinner ready) and, believe me, no one will be lining up to offer me support over this minor incident.
The truth of the matter is that – though little things can often be pretty upsetting – you’re really only left with the option of sucking it up, being the bigger person and then moving on. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but it is life. How many times has a friend called you to complain about something that happened to him and you thought, why in the world is he so upset about this? This is nothing! Well, that’s exactly how your friends feel when you call them to tell them about the 25-item checkout dude. People care, don’t get me wrong, just not about something that seems so simple to them. At best, they listen to you anyway. At worst, they label you as a complainer.
So what is one to do? Go out every day with armor plating, expecting the worst at every juncture?
Probably not.
A better strategy is simply to adjust your own expectations about your life. Along with realizing that major catastrophes are going to happen, acknowledge that a lot of small, silly (yet supremely annoying) things are going to happen to you as well. Try not to be so worn out or used up that one simple thing pushes you over the edge. Try to get enough sleep, take enough mental vacations, eat good foods and be in a good mental place that these things do not derail.
And if these things upset you more than you’d like, just allow yourself to be upset and work your way through your emotions. Even if no one else will listen to you, you certainly have the time and patience to listen to yourself. Don’t tell yourself that it’s silly to be upset – if you’re uspet, you’re upset and all the logic in the world isn’t going to change that. Instead try to see what really is bothering you (you’re tired of being disrespected overall, you have a lot of other things on your plate, you don’t feel like you speak up enough for yourself) and do something about that. Reassure yourself that being upset is normal – no matter how small it may seem to somebody else. Try your best to get over it, but don’t rush the process or allow anyone else to rush you through the process either.
Expect that little, silly things can happen at any time. Proactively prepare for them, reminding yourself that stuff happens and there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Whether you do everything right or not, stuff is still bound to happen. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong and it doesn’t mean the universe is against you. Such is simply the nature of life.
So while it’s true that the little things often get to you a lot, it doesn’t mean that the after-effects have to be quite so dramatic.
Stuff happens.
It’s your job to figure out the best way to handle it.
And eventually move on…
Good luck!
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