Sonya Triggs-Wharton

Obstacles Are Your Friends!

Obstacles are your friends. They help you identify those areas that are holding you back, things which you need to overcome and potentially even those things that you need to re-think and/or re-strategize about.

            The good news about obstacles is that they are usually something you can overcome. And if not overcome, then at the very least strategize about ways to get around them. Even if they appear to be ‘mountains,’ they are usually not that high. (In this world, there is only one Mt. Everest, but many other nameless hills.) And if they are too high for you to leap over? Simply figure out how to get around them.

            What do I mean? I mean if you find yourself continually trying (and failing) to lose those same 20 pounds, it’s a good opportunity to analyze the obstacles which are preventing you from accomplishing that goal. Rather than feel glum or get depressed, instead think about what very real things happened that hindered you from your weight loss.  Did you find yourself hungry at specific times of the day? Did you find your snacking was out of control? Did you discover your workout wasn’t tough enough to get the job done? Did you find that additional stress caused you to eat more and move less?

            Was it that extra bag of Doritos that you failed to account for in your kitchen cabinet? Did you notice you ate more when you went out to eat? Did you find your favorite foods contained more calories than you thought? Or did you find out the treadmill bored you to tears?

            It’s easy enough to see why we gain weight (most of us eat too much), but it’s a much harder proposition to discover why we can’t lose that same weight. But if you were to say, log your calories and moods for about a month, I’m pretty sure you would begin to uncover the secret and not-so-secret obstacles to your success.

            Most people eat more when they are either out or with family or friends. Many people walk lethargically on the treadmill and don’t burn enough calories to justify the amount they’ve eating (1 Krispy Kreme Glazed Donut = 200 calories = 2 miles on the treadmill!). People are often surprised to find out how many calories are in their favorite meals (1 cup spaghetti (no sauce) = 173 calories vs. Olive Garden Dinner Portion Fettuccine Alfredo – 1220 calories!!).

            A lot of folks have problems with snacking – and with a small bag of Doritos at 250 calories 6 oreos clocking in at 270 calories – having two or three snacks like these per day can quickly add up. Finally, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that stress generally causes people to eat more.

            This is what I mean by real, live obstacles. So, rather than looking at your weight loss efforts as a failure, you can instead choose to focus on the strategies that will help you overcome these obstacles (eat out less, pack healthier snacks, burn at least 300 calories per workout, etc.).

            You can apply this thinking to every facet of your life.

            Say you can’t seem to get a promotion at work or find a job that pays you well. You analyze your situation and realize your competitors have at least Master’s degrees (and you don’t), you don’t have the right network who could potentially introduce you to somebody who is hiring, you don’t speak very well, you don’t appear to be very confident, you complain loudly about your job to anyone who listens or you’re unable to work very long hours (which everyone else appears to be doing).

            So you decide to get your Master’s degree, get out to meet new people to increase your personal network, take speaking classes (or join Toastmasters), seem more positive and team-oriented about your job and maybe even look for a career in a profession that has reasonable working hours.

            See what I mean? Instead of thinking of yourself as having failed at something, instead figure out what obstacles prevented you from achieving success.

            Identify your obstacles and strategize about ways to overcome them or go around them.

            Don’t take obstacles personally – understand that everyone has them – and resolve to do whatever it takes to put them behind you.

            In the end, you will end with a life that is a much better fit for you. You will gain an understanding of not only what works and what does not work for you. And you will increase your problem-solving abilities and generally be a more positive, proactive person.

            And who wouldn’t want that?

            Now you try it!

Any Goal is Better Than No Goal At All

I’m starting this article with the sure belief that we all have read a lot about goal-setting already. We’ve drank the Kool-Aid, have a life goals list and are incrementally working towards completing them day-by-day. Surely, you have spent time working out your career goals, your personal goals and maybe even made a Bucket List containing all the activities you’d like to complete before you die.

Right?

Because every hard-working adult realizes the importance of having benchmarks for themselves – some way of definitively acknowledging that accomplishments have been met, life has been worthwhile and you can look back on your life when you are old with absolutely no regrets at all.

And I’m sure that’s where you are today.

Now back to reality.

What I’m really sure of as I start this article is that many of us have set goals at one time or another. And that some of those goals got accomplished, some were partially completed and dropped and some fell by the wayside due to stress, over-commitment or the vagaries of a life well-lived.

And I’m REALLY sure that at least one of those goals you partially completed (or that fell by the wayside) was something you really did want to accomplish. Some day. As in when you had more time, when life let up, when circumstances allowed and as you free up more time.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve finally realized that you will never have more time, life will never let up, circumstances will prevent you in any way they can and any free time you ‘find’ will quickly be ‘lost’ again as you try and get other stuff done.

So what am I trying to say here?

That I want you first and foremost to consider the goals you had previously set, which for some reason or another, you did not accomplish. Not the be skinny as a supermodel one or the be a millionaire before age 30. The other, more realistic, goals that you honestly feel you could have accomplished with more time, more energy or more devotion.  Those goals. Now keep them in mind as we continue…

Try now to remember what happened to those goals.  Did you have too many other things going on at the time? Did you find that the way you were approaching those goals caused them to fail (i.e., thinking you have to eat bird food every day would lead to incredible weight loss?)?

Or did you find that you weren’t quite capable of meeting those goals? Like, you needed a little more time and perhaps to have developed a little more discipline in order to accomplish them?

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say you set a goal of getting up at 5:00am every weekday morning (Mon-Fri) to work out. And you decided you’d work out an hour each day, which would leave you plenty of time to get ready for work and get there on time.

And the first week, you struggle mightily, but manage to pull yourself out of bed five days that week. You start on strong on Day 1, do okay on Days 2 & 3, and put in the minimal effort on Days 4 & 5 (anything to say you did it, right?). And you collapse on Saturday and Sunday because (A) your body is not used to  getting up at 5am five days a week and (B) getting up AND working out five days a week is TOUGH!

So the next week, you sleep in a little bit, miss two workouts, try to make up for it in those other three workouts, which again leaves you tired on the weekend because your body is still adjusting.

The next few weeks you start to see this isn’t exactly working, start sleeping in more than working out and then just kind of give up (physically, even if it takes a while for you to acknowledge it to yourself) and pleasantly sleep in the next three months.

Until that one day when you realize, hey! I never accomplished my goal of working out 5 days per week. Wonder what happened with that?

Wonder indeed.

After having an experience like that, most of us give up for a while and then wait until we’re ready to charge full-bore into the process yet again. We hibernate, think a bit about what went wrong and then commit to finding enough willpower to get the job done. We may have a couple of kick-off events (like over-indulging the weekend before, finding the first day of winter solstice or having a last night at the bar with friends as alcohol will shortly be a no-no).

Then, we start bright and early the first Monday morning after the winter solstice, after having eaten everything that previous weekend (not to mention drank everything as well), and are ready to make it THIS time on sheer WILLPOWER and determination.

And about five weeks later, we’re back where we started – hibernating, thinking it over and sleeping in again.

Now I’m not going to offer you the solution to all of life’s problems right here and now, but I do have a few words of wisdom regarding goals.

First off: Setting Any Goal is Better Than Setting No Goal at All.

Why do I say this? Because while you’re hibernating and thinking about how it all went wrong, what are you NOT doing? That’s right – working out! I’ve noticed the more forgiving you are with yourself, the more your ‘self’ will take advantage of it. Sleep in? the body wonders. I’ll take that.  It’s okay to eat whatever I want? Your appetite chimes in? Great – bring on the pizza and the donuts! Not work out, your mind inquires? Good – I can really relax by watching some good ol’ fashioned television.

But -  what if - instead of hibernating, you make a goal to work out 3 or 4 days a week? Then you commit to doing that as often as you are able? What then, huh? You just might be on to something then.

While you have decided not to go all Marine Corps drill sergeant on yourself and have taken a kinder, gentler route, you still have the desire and the goal to get in some workouts per week, even if you’re not doing it every single day. Just having that as a goal – on your calendar (where you can see it) might be just the motivation you need to get out of bed, say, two times a week. Until your body and mind adjust, and then you can maybe do three times a week. Until you discover you prefer lunch time workouts, move it to noon and manage to consistently get in 4 days a week. And then a few weeks you try five workouts and realize that’s simply too much for your body to handle in a given week. So you settle at four times a week, at noon on a fairly consistent basis. And that seems to work for you. Ta-da – miracle! You now belong to the consistently working out every week group.

So what’s the difference between this method and the previous method? In the first method, you set unrealistic goals, go full-force to try to meet them, realize you are unprepared (and un-conditioned physically) and then, just….give up. Instead of allowing for the natural ebb and flow of willpower and life circumstances, you have more or less set yourself up for failure by trying to do a lot of new things in a very short period of time.

You know what kind of changes stick? Those that are incremental. Those that you creep up to in the fullness of time.

I don’t believe anybody is genetically programmed to get up every day perfectly on time, work a perfect 40-50 hour workweek, perfectly get grocery shopping, cleaning and errands done and be able to check off a perfectly appropriate to-do list at the end of each week.

None of us is that perfect and life, quite frankly, doesn’t allow many ‘perfects.’

What’s more realistic is that with a lot of hard work, patience and dedication, we can train ourselves to do the things we need to in life. Your body won’t be able to run 5 miles, 5 times a week if you’ve never run before. You have to start off with one mile, some rest days, more training, walking at times and then gradually building up your miles. Likewise, you can only accomplish other goals successfully if you build yourself up to them.

You try them out, see what works, adjust where necessary, keep a goal on the (mental and physical) books, and keep plugging away at it. You don’t accomplish many ‘perfects’ initially, but you get some of it done. And, over time, you get more and more of it done until you’re doing it so well, other people are asking you what your secret is (and more often than not, it’s the hard work, patience and willpower we talked about).

There is no magic pill. Most of what we want in life will come with hard work.

So keep plugging away at at least one or two significant goals in your life.. Make sure you continue to make some progress towards them, even if this doesn’t happen as quickly as you’d like. Also, don’t allow yourself to go on permanent (or even lengthy) ‘vacation.’ If you give your body permission to lay around, it most surely will do that. And that will make it much harder to ever get off the couch to put on your sneakers to get the heck out of the house. The only thing sitting around does is train you for more sitting around – trust me, I know (I’ve done LOTS of sitting around in my life, then wonder why it’s harder to jog those two miles that used to come to me so easily)!

I know it’s hard to focus and life throws a lot at you. But take at least 15 minutes one day a week and think to yourself – am I really doing what I want to in life? And, if not, think about how you can get there. The important thing is that you do a self ‘check-in’ weekly and be your own accountability partner.

Remember – don’t be overly permissive with yourself, but also don’t be too hard on yourself either. Find that perfect balance where you’re at least working on that goal, even if it’s not as hard or as quickly as you’d like it to be.

And finally – REMEMBER - any goal is better than no goal at all.

Finding Your People

A friend once shared with me some keys pearls of wisdom.  I was stressing about an audience I had to address, worried that I wouldn’t be received well. I was particularly worried because it seemed to me that in order to effectively deliver my message, I needed to be more uptight, erudite and anal than I typically was. For some reason, I had convinced myself that I would fail or that I wouldn’t be taken seriously. (In retrospect, I realize I had very little to worry about – I was just expressing my general anxiety over finding myself in a new situation.) So I had managed to get myself all wound up predicting all these doomsday scenarios, when she said something that has since stuck with me.

As I was theorizing ways to please this new audience and how I could ‘fit’ in and say the right things to be taken seriously, she said to me, “Don’t worry. One day you’ll find your people.” 

And it stopped me in my tracks.  My people. What a wonderful concept!

She meant that somewhere out there in this big ol’ world, there was a crowd of people who would in fact like me – just the way I was! They would get my (corny) jokes, be as committed to positivity as I am and have an appreciation for my realistic, yet rosy-eyed view of the world. As a group, my people and I would eventually build a mutually satisfying network of like-minded people who would converse about current and philosophical topics (with no one saying, “I know this sounds stupid, but…” because nothing would be considered stupid!). We would all be together one day – my people and I – and be free to be ourselves, let our hair down and just relax and learn freely from one another. We would create our own ‘safe’ space where all opinions were welcomed, debate was encouraged and agreeing to disagree would be the highest evolved form of conversation.

Wouldn’t that be great?

And, once I realize that my ‘people’ are out there somewhere, I was able to find more and more of them in my every day life. People who think like me. People who don’t think like me, but are darned funny. People who are non-judgemental and friendly. People who are intellectually curious. People who don’t subscribe to one paradigm and don’t fit any particular category. People who are open-minded and open-handed. Heck, people who are close-minded and close-handed but can really engage in a good (though friendly) debate.

And having so many more of my ‘people’ in my life has made me appreciate even more those who are not like me.  The people with whom I virulently disagree. The people who you couldn’t pay me to spend more than 5 minutes of my life talking to. People who don’t think like me, act like me or even particularly want to get to know me.  Because it makes me realize that it takes all types to make the world go round. And if everyone in the world was like you or if everyone in the world was like me, what a boring place life would be!

So the take-away from this is two-fold. First, that while you may temporarily find yourself surrounded by people who are nothing like you, out there your ‘people’ just waiting for you to discover them. If you’re running a business, this could mean those who can partner up with you, mentor you or even lend you money. Or it could be your future customers who really feel what you’re saying and buy your stuff because you make sense to them or help them to improve their lives in some way. Your ‘people’ will understand you, even if you are very different or operate in a very tiny niche or think no one else like you exists on this planet. With billions of people alive today, you are more likely to find your doppelganger, soul-mate, mentor or business partner now than at any other time in history.  Don’t spend too much time worrying about who is in your life now (if these people/friends/associates are not satisfactory) – realize instead that there is a whole group of people whom you haven’t yet met, but surely will like (and will like you!).

The other take-away is that while it’s good to be surrounded by our ‘people,’ sometimes it’s even better to be surrounded by those not like you at all. I swear to you I never knew I had an opinion about certain things (the death penalty, abortion, etc.) until someone unlike me challenged me to defend myself. Or simply made some boorish remark which simply demanded a response from me (I don’t believe in allowing people to say whatever the heck they want to around me – too much negativity is perpetuated that way). So even if I’m nice about it, if they say something I think is off base, I feel it is my moral duty to disagree. I firmly believe that if you feel you have the right to say what you want however you want to say it, I have just as much right to make my opinion known as well.  In my mind, it’s not enough to believe something – you must act on it as well.

So, while it’s good to know the loving embrace of your ‘people’ is out there, try to allow life and other people’s opinions to develop, challenge and grow you. Rather than taking their attitudes and opinions personally, use them as an opportunity to spread your own wings, assert yourself and learn how to have a rousing, yet friendly debate. While I enjoy a spirited argument as much as the next person (and perhaps even more than the next person), I think the first one who gets nasty loses, so try to always take the higher moral ground. If someone chooses to be mean and nasty, just let them be that way by themselves and walk away. Otherwise, hang in there, say what you mean, don’t be afraid or intimidated and hold your head up high.

And when the debates, arguments and circular conversations are over, just remember – out there somewhere are your people! And – with them at least – you won’t have to try so hard or hit your head against the wall so often or despair of the world in which you don’t quite seem to fit. You can instead relax, take a deep breath and be surrounded by those around you who resonate with your message.

Staying Sane in the Face of Adversity

Bad things happen all the time. Globally, there's war, famine, religious intolerance and natural disasters. Nationally, there is a recession, job loss, floods and tornadoes.

If you're anything like me, you find all of the above heart-wrenching, anxiety-provoking and cause for restless nights.

It's hard enough to face the problems that the world and our nation present us.

Even harder is when adversity comes close to home. When it affects someone we know, a friend, a family member or even ourselves. Suddenly all the world's troubles pale as you begin to see the impact on your life and adjust to whatever is now your 'new normal.'

Life is tough for all of us. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.  All the time.

None of us is exempt. Your mountain may be taller than my mountain, but I can assure you we both have mountains to climb.

How do you stay sane in the face of adversity?

First - by accepting that bad things always do and always will happen. Whether they are big or small, troubles will surely find you.

However, once you acknowledge that fact, you are one step closer to being able to handle them when they do come. Knowing your next trouble is likely right around the corner mentally prepares you to face those challenges when they come. You know that your current happiness is not guaranteed, therefore you endeavor to FULLY enjoy where you are while you are there. And you fully expect that something will happen in some form or another real soon.

You get the rest you need and make sure you are as healthy and well-nourished as possible - knowing you will need those resources to face whatever is coming. You don't worry about those troubles because you know there's nothing you can do to head them off. 

You've done the best you can to be a good citizen, a good human being, a good parent, friend, daughter, son, etc. You have done no ill will towards anyone or made amends if you were made aware of it. You are simply the best you can be in all aspects of your life (even if your 'best' ain't always too pretty).

Whatever happens, whatever is coming is not your fault. It's simply a consequence of being a human being and living in this world. It is not personal, it is not meant to break you, it just IS. It's the common condition of being in this world.

So how do you stay sane in the face of adversity?

By accepting that challenges will come, preparing yourself, not worrying about things you cannot change and by resting assured that in your life you've done your best.

Nothing more can be done beyond that.

Be the Person You Were Meant to Be!

Find inspiration, discover your spirituality, boost your self-confidence and get encouragement on a daily basis.  Visit Daily Meditations  to find meditations to help you through those tough times and maintain a positive and healthy mental attitude. Read my articles  on SonyaWharton.com to get tips and advice to help you find peace, be empowered and take control of your life. And don't forget to read Christian Thoughts when you need a spiritual boost.

Just remember: whatever you want is within your grasp. You just have to be willing to work hard and move beyond your comfort zone in order to get it.