Meet People Where They Are

I’m currently a third year student in a counseling program. Specifically, I am in the last year of a Master’s Program of a Clinical Mental Health Counseling program. In a few years, I’ll be a licensed counselor, though I am able and will continue to work with clients until that point.

I got into this field because I wanted to formalize what I had already been doing for years: helping people get from where they are to where they want to be.

Before this program, I spent years listening to friends, family members, co-workers (and heck, even a few strangers) tell me about their problems and then strategized with them ways to overcome them. I’ve given relationship advice, helped people fix their finances, counseled and coached as people honored me by confiding in me their deepest worries and concerns. Often all that was required was a listening ear, empathy and sympathetic nodding. I discovered in very short order that most people have the answers within themselves. They just need an active listener to help them discover them. Wouldn’t you agree?

You’ve probably been the recipient (victim) of well-meaning advice from your friends, family members or loved ones. You’ve probably heard about why you shouldn’t remain in that relationship, better ways to manage your finances, helpful hints for raising your rather exuberant children or tips for making sure the dust accumulation in your house remains below toxic levels.

If your friends are anything like my friends, that is.

What most people simply don’t get is that even when you ask someone, What should I do? It doesn’t mean you’re actually asking them to tell you what to do.

Instead, it usually means that you’re looking to bounce your ideas off someone else. You’re looking for some support. And, maybe, just maybe, a few words of advice after you’ve exhausted all your other options.

But you don’t need anyone to tell you what to do.

And with that in mind, remind yourself that other people don’t need you to tell them what to do either.

As I mentioned, most people have the answers for their problems within themselves. Yes, they know they should leave an emotionally abusive relationship. Yes, they have a dead-end job and probably can do better elsewhere. And, no they shouldn’t allow their relatives to walk all over them.

So if a friend asks you your advice, what’s your job in this situation?

To meet them where they are.

They are many different stages to changing, so whether they are at the contemplation stage, the action stage or just need to vent about it all, meet them where they are.

Be a good listener. Be sympathetic and interested. Let them explain their options and how those actions would impact their lives. Hear them out as they recount their fears, guilt and real (and imagined) responsibilities. Be the kind of friend you’d like them to be.

Even if you’ve heard it a time or two before, let them get it out of their system.

The first two or three times they ask you what you think they should do, turn the question back on them and ask them what they think they ought to do.

Hear them out as they test out new options, seeing if they are a good fit. Let them explore alternative futures, possible realities and do a bit of hoping out loud and dreaming.

Whether it takes one conversation, two, three or four, just hear them out.

And when it’s clear to both you and them that they’ve thought things through, have decided (mostly) on a course of action and really and truly (finally) need your advice – then give it to them.

In moderation.

Say things like yes, I think that’s a good idea. Or no, that might not be immediately feasible, but would be better down the line. Or next month is probably a better month to start.

Do NOT use this as an opportunity to tell them everything you’ve been bottling up, meaning to tell them or holding on to all these days (weeks or years). This is not about YOU, it’s about them.

Meet people where they are. Help them where they are. Don’t offer more advice than is desired. And certainly don’t make it all about you.

Make sure that in the end your friend is focused on what is best for him or her and you’ve helped them get to the bottom of that.

That’s your job as a friend. Just like mine.

To help people get from where they are ---- to where they want to be.

Comments

[the hair gospel]

Great blog post, we don’t have to be fulltime pastors or preachers to dispense the word of God. Sometimes the Gospel is spread in silence, by listening or through body language.

If you are employed in a salon where the owner and your fellow co-stylists are not Christians-this is the perfect opportunity to demonstrate your walk with Christ daily with our actions. That really is meeting people where they are.

[Air Jordan 11 Concord]

Sometimes the Gospel is spread in silence, by listening or through body language.

[Salma G]

Sonya, you're a breath of fresh air. Did you ever think of working for a Chrisian mental health treatment facility when you graduate? There are plenty of out there that could benefit from your empathy (and faith)! Not to drivel on here, but I've had depresssion and anxiety issues, and I get comfort from seeing faith-based care available - though it seems good ones are far and few between. In fact, I'm stuck in Kansas, and one of the recommended facilities for my type of issue is actually in Tulsa (http://www.renewalchristiancare.com/christian-treatment-programs/). If you decide to practice in Kansas, please let me know! Thanks again and God bless.

[Sonya Triggs-Wharton]

Thanks Salma, that's very sweet of you to say. I am currently practicing in the D.C.-area and probably will be here for several more years. Hopefully, you will be able to find someone who can help you in a Christian-centric way.
As both a practitioner and someone who has been in therapy, I can definitely say it is a great experience to find someone who can truly help you with what you need! I'll be praying for you :-)