One thing we learn in counseling is the importance of not giving a judgment or value to everything that happens in your life. An important facet of a therapy known as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is that while ‘good’ or ‘bad’ things may happen, the value you assign to those things is all your own.
What do I mean?
Say you have an unexpectedly busy day at work. You walk in and get hit with a last-minute project which takes the entire morning you had set aside to return phone calls and check your emails. You finally get around to your email that afternoon only to discover you missed an important meeting. You call to make your apologies, find out what was discussed and then return those phone calls you meant to make that morning.
After returning those phone calls, you finally get to the project you actually expected to work on that morning and find that it’s going to take you til 7:00pm to get it done to meet the following day’s deadline (which you found had been pushed up after you returned those darned phone calls). You mutter under your breath, let your family know you will be late, finish the project, go home, have leftovers and then fall into bed fairly tired.
As you lie there, you begin to think about your day. You review all that you got done and all you have yet to do.
Then – and this is the important part – you decide what you think about your day.
You can decide many things at this point. That you had a good, but productive day. That you’re aggrieved because your boss always assigns you last-minute projects and he’s really starting to get on your nerves. That you appreciate how much your co-workers pulled together to get the job done. That you’re happy about the day. Or that you are sad or angry.
You see what I’m getting at?
How you feel about your day is entirely up to you.
Every single day.
You’ve heard a million times that it’s not the circumstances that are important, but how you react to them.
But have you given any thought to what that actually means?
It means that if you decide your job is tough, your boss is insensitive and the hours are too long, then you will be a disgruntled employee.
It means that if you decide your work is challenging and exciting, though it requires long hours sometimes, you will be content.
Do you see what I mean?
Your reality is mainly decided by you. This is because some things really are unpleasant (there’s no way to ‘spin’ a broken arm into enjoying the idea of being off work for 8 weeks) or hard or unenjoyable. And those things you just have to get through, suck it up and move on.
But for all those other hundreds or even thousands of myriad things (not to mention how you feel about the major events of your life), it’s up to you to decide how you feel about them.
Working late is neither intrinsically good or bad – you are simply working two hours past your normal quitting time. Getting a last minute project could be seen as good or bad – depending on whether you like high pressure situations that require you think on your feet or if you think it’s unreasonable for anyone to ask you to perform under pressure.
Do you understand the power this gives you over your life?
Do you understand that the way you think about your life can also have a positive or negative effect on your emotions and your mental state?
No one can say for certain whether the emotions or the thoughts come first, but we know for certain the two are related. If you don’t believe me, notice the next time you are in a bad mood what you are thinking about. Bet it was negative…
Want to be happier and be in a more elevated, positive mood? Think better thoughts about your life.
How do you do that?
Don’t automatically judge or assign a value to everything that happens in your life. Choose not to automatically decide your work day is bad because you got a last-minute assignment. Instead, remember how well you are paid or how well you could be paid if you stay in this career path. Think of how much you enjoy working with your team and the exhilaration that comes from tackling a project successfully. Think of how much you enjoy the networking activities and learning from the best in your field.
Yes, this may occasionally mean long hours, but it’s always your choice.
And if and when you decide otherwise, you can still choose to work someplace else
Don’t worry so much about whether things are good or bad. Instead, think clearly about what has happened in your life and decide for yourself whether those things are good or bad. Don’t let circumstances dictate your mood – you decide how you will view your life and the happiness you can find. (And you can always work on changing the things you don’t like.)
Remember – life is not controlling you – everything you do is a choice that you alone make. Even if others are relying upon you. Even if you feel like it’s necessary to pay the bills. You still decide to stay in that job and do what you need to do to make ends meet. So remember that if it’s not what you want – like you don’t like your job – remember the satisfaction you feel because you are supporting your family. And that what you do is keeping the lights and gas and water on.
Think good thoughts about them.
Don’t allow circumstances to control you.
Decide how you feel about your life and stick to your guns.
Your heart, health and mind will thank you.
Here’s a book that will help you deal with your thoughts, help you deal with your emotions and learn to be mindful of what is going on in your thoughts:
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