Finding Your People

A friend once shared with me some keys pearls of wisdom.  I was stressing about an audience I had to address, worried that I wouldn’t be received well. I was particularly worried because it seemed to me that in order to effectively deliver my message, I needed to be more uptight, erudite and anal than I typically was. For some reason, I had convinced myself that I would fail or that I wouldn’t be taken seriously. (In retrospect, I realize I had very little to worry about – I was just expressing my general anxiety over finding myself in a new situation.) So I had managed to get myself all wound up predicting all these doomsday scenarios, when she said something that has since stuck with me.

As I was theorizing ways to please this new audience and how I could ‘fit’ in and say the right things to be taken seriously, she said to me, “Don’t worry. One day you’ll find your people.” 

And it stopped me in my tracks.  My people. What a wonderful concept!

She meant that somewhere out there in this big ol’ world, there was a crowd of people who would in fact like me – just the way I was! They would get my (corny) jokes, be as committed to positivity as I am and have an appreciation for my realistic, yet rosy-eyed view of the world. As a group, my people and I would eventually build a mutually satisfying network of like-minded people who would converse about current and philosophical topics (with no one saying, “I know this sounds stupid, but…” because nothing would be considered stupid!). We would all be together one day – my people and I – and be free to be ourselves, let our hair down and just relax and learn freely from one another. We would create our own ‘safe’ space where all opinions were welcomed, debate was encouraged and agreeing to disagree would be the highest evolved form of conversation.

Wouldn’t that be great?

And, once I realize that my ‘people’ are out there somewhere, I was able to find more and more of them in my every day life. People who think like me. People who don’t think like me, but are darned funny. People who are non-judgemental and friendly. People who are intellectually curious. People who don’t subscribe to one paradigm and don’t fit any particular category. People who are open-minded and open-handed. Heck, people who are close-minded and close-handed but can really engage in a good (though friendly) debate.

And having so many more of my ‘people’ in my life has made me appreciate even more those who are not like me.  The people with whom I virulently disagree. The people who you couldn’t pay me to spend more than 5 minutes of my life talking to. People who don’t think like me, act like me or even particularly want to get to know me.  Because it makes me realize that it takes all types to make the world go round. And if everyone in the world was like you or if everyone in the world was like me, what a boring place life would be!

So the take-away from this is two-fold. First, that while you may temporarily find yourself surrounded by people who are nothing like you, out there your ‘people’ just waiting for you to discover them. If you’re running a business, this could mean those who can partner up with you, mentor you or even lend you money. Or it could be your future customers who really feel what you’re saying and buy your stuff because you make sense to them or help them to improve their lives in some way. Your ‘people’ will understand you, even if you are very different or operate in a very tiny niche or think no one else like you exists on this planet. With billions of people alive today, you are more likely to find your doppelganger, soul-mate, mentor or business partner now than at any other time in history.  Don’t spend too much time worrying about who is in your life now (if these people/friends/associates are not satisfactory) – realize instead that there is a whole group of people whom you haven’t yet met, but surely will like (and will like you!).

The other take-away is that while it’s good to be surrounded by our ‘people,’ sometimes it’s even better to be surrounded by those not like you at all. I swear to you I never knew I had an opinion about certain things (the death penalty, abortion, etc.) until someone unlike me challenged me to defend myself. Or simply made some boorish remark which simply demanded a response from me (I don’t believe in allowing people to say whatever the heck they want to around me – too much negativity is perpetuated that way). So even if I’m nice about it, if they say something I think is off base, I feel it is my moral duty to disagree. I firmly believe that if you feel you have the right to say what you want however you want to say it, I have just as much right to make my opinion known as well.  In my mind, it’s not enough to believe something – you must act on it as well.

So, while it’s good to know the loving embrace of your ‘people’ is out there, try to allow life and other people’s opinions to develop, challenge and grow you. Rather than taking their attitudes and opinions personally, use them as an opportunity to spread your own wings, assert yourself and learn how to have a rousing, yet friendly debate. While I enjoy a spirited argument as much as the next person (and perhaps even more than the next person), I think the first one who gets nasty loses, so try to always take the higher moral ground. If someone chooses to be mean and nasty, just let them be that way by themselves and walk away. Otherwise, hang in there, say what you mean, don’t be afraid or intimidated and hold your head up high.

And when the debates, arguments and circular conversations are over, just remember – out there somewhere are your people! And – with them at least – you won’t have to try so hard or hit your head against the wall so often or despair of the world in which you don’t quite seem to fit. You can instead relax, take a deep breath and be surrounded by those around you who resonate with your message.

Comments

[Zenobia L Silas-Carson]

Oh my stars, I have been trying to find " my people" for decades. They did not even exist within my family. Everyone thought me to be "odd" so I created little worlds just for myself, but it was so very lonely. Married twice...both men, same thing....anyway....God bless and thank you for this wonderful writing!